Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
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When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
I don’t believe him.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango