Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity

Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?

I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.

There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

Me: I said you can’t eat candy.

4-year-old: I’m not eating it.

Me: I see it in your mouth.

4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.

4: Water!

Me: Ask me nicely

4: Actually, I’ll get it myself

Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?

20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?

the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme

Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.

My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.

Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.

And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.

A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv

Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want

Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though

Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN

Me and kid:

brain: bored

me: lots of stuff to do

brain: tired

me: resting is also good

brain: stressed

me: alright man

Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?

Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better