Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.

Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

[father and son riding bikes together]

dad, how’d you get so good?

[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate

Me: I got the buffet 🤭

Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.

[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

“FOUND ‘EM!”

😉😝

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions

It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.

My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.

Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

Gf: Let’s role-play

Me: Ok you be a writer

Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write

Me: ooh that’s good

I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.

Me: Bitch, try me.

Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.

I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.