“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
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Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.