Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
You Might Also Like
getting groceries
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.