Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
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I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
My wife gave me an Oura ring.
Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.Is my wife outsourcing?
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.