Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
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you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
This is a true ally.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.