Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.

“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

[excerpt from my failed job application]

MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops

Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true

Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.

Bon appetit!

Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”

The picture:

I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.

I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”

[enter password]

“dog”

[password must be longer]

“dachshund”

Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

[Funeral]

Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”

Widow: “Please do”

Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”

Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”

Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.

‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’

[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now

[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*

Whoa. I guess one dude quit:

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?

Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.