Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids

WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.

ME: [swallows suppository]

Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

~ The Okra Show

3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.

3yo:

Me:

3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!

Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?

Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!

Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.

Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.

4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.

A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?

BOSS: I have some tough news

INVISIBLE MAN: Go on

BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities

INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit

At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.

Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.

I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her

Warning:

This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.

Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”

I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”

[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.

[getting pulled over]

ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?

MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me

He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.

Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside

Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.