Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*

you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

Yup.

Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist

Doctor: That’s me

Me: but you’re an adult

Doctor: and a child psychologist

Me: how

Friend: *checking bag* one bag

Airline: why is it so heavy

Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

Never go to sleep after making me angry

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

Me: Man I love the eighties

Grandparents: We have names

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️

“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”

-Oh really? Why?

“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”

A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.

this came to me in a vision

*First day as a police officer*

Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?

Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me

Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then

The little toadstool has spoken.

Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.

One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”

[on a plane]

ME: how much for wine?

ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot

ME: oh right it’s free

This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.

Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.

Her: I live in Wales.

Me: like Jonah

“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

*takes the high road

*gets a DUI