Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon

Only short people can save us

Cats love it when you give them a mohawk

Drive like no one is watching.

[gets bit by spider]

[I don’t get powers]

[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)

Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.

The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind

My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

My dad could kick ur dads ass!

Um have u seen my dad

Hes a big guy huh?

No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.

-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆

[audition]

Casting Director: can you do accents?

Me: *cries Britishly*

CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?

Me: *cries in Japanese*

CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly

Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

(2022)

Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.

People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.

Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.

fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever

They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.

Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.

Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna