Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]

ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed

Cereal. Check.

Milk. Check.

Bread. Check.

Fruit. Check.

Salad. Check.

Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.

“I’ll worry about it next time”

– me pissing off future me

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk

The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.

Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away

My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!

Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]

5: Mom, look at me!

Me: I’m in the shower

5: Look at me!

Me: I can’t!

5: Because you’re in the shower?

Me: Yes!

5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!

It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.

Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”

my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely

This kinda thing happens to me often

[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.

I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.