Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
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Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.