I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
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A bird in the hand is never as fun as a hand in the bush.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
?????? ???? ????
?? ??????? ???? ????
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
5 people hurt themselves by accidentally discharging guns at gun shows. Maybe the best way to handle gun nuts is to just let them have guns.
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain streaking”
[pilot darts out of the cockpit completely naked]
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.