Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
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A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Boating season is upon us.
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.