Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
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Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
You are what you delete.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL