Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.

Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.

When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.

My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.

MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

“You have too much stuff”

– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house

all that yoga finally paid off

accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.

We all have our battles to fight.

Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore

I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”

If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga

I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise

BaD BoY!!

Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:

‘What time is it?’

‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’

*blows trombone loudly*

Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’

😃

Grandpa

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”