Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…

‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’

There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.

Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.

10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex

Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys

How are you?

“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person

“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible

Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u

9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?

Me: Slept in.

My Favorite Chops:

1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork

“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.

Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

Not recommended for beginners.

I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.

*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*

Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.

Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.