Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”

“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys

I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance

I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.

nobody:

TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding

My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away

I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up

If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.

– dads at kids’ basketball games

[first day as a stand-up comedian]

batman: how’d I do, alfred?

alfred: i felt like your dad.

batman: proud?

alfred: 💀💀

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem

police: DROP YOUR WEAPON

me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

just pretend nothing happened

Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”

It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.

therapist: how have you been coping with everything

me: with sarcasm mostly

therapist: has that been working

me: yeah it’s been super great

[AGM of potato mashers]

“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”

When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.

Did I spell something wrong?

police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.

parents: arson?

police: yes, your son.