Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
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Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Word!
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”