COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
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sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
where the womens at?
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.