Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with

I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.

why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…

I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.

“you are what you eat”

i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok

Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!

Me: Nothing in the second?

Her: No, I skipped a period.

Me:

Her:

Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.

[walking out of bathroom]

me: oh boy, do NOT go in there

*guy walks in anyway*

*comes out screaming*

me: ya it’s like super haunted

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

you’re so productive for your wage

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese

Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood

my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs

Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.

Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.

True statement👍😏😁

Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?

giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.

The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.

In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything