Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

Y’all ready for this

doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]

When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.

I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT

The cat has already been fed.

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.

Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.

Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”

I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.

You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

[Court]

ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*

gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.

I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.

They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.

I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.

My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”

I pointed to my daughter.