COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
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How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.