Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy

God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.

Angel: Like at 6 AM?

God: Earlier.

Angel: 5 AM?

God: EARLIER

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

Are you ok?

– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical

Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.

GF: I’m breaking up with you

Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why

If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…

My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs

*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer

Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

The second world war should have been called world war returns

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too