cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
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“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Otters see a butterfly.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
me after eating Cheetos
I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…