Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
You Might Also Like
True.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
