Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.

A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato

“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places

[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*

Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?

17: That the public is crazy.

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

*i put two straws in my drink*

gf: awhh 🙂

me: hell ya double barrel

*i use both straws*

The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.

“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server

Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans

Me: Please finish your drink

4: Don’t say it like that!

Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you

4: Okay

A classic example of a cat being a cat.

[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know

Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy

Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?

people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.