Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I only look at Wordle for the articles
