Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
You Might Also Like
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Mhm.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow