Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?

Me: I don’t think so

Cop: *pulls out egg*

Me: what lol

Cop: *pulls out another egg*

Me: wait how are you doing that?

Cop: *pulls out third egg*

Me: ok mister

Cop: *pulls out egg carton*

Me: what a fun time we’re having

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I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.


”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!


I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.


@funTweeters TIL:The phrase “I plead the fifth” comes from the minimum volume of alcohol one can blame for committing the alleged infraction


*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into


*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold


By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start


Does the 5 second rule count for a baby? Asking for… Nevermind, her mom picked her up.