Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?

me : at our daughter’s piano recital

Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.

Me: How so?

Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?

Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.

Producer: Get out.

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

For anyone that’s still confused here’s a cheat sheet for this week.

Sun
Idk
Wtf
Idk
Idk
Wtf
Sat

Her: I love cats

Me: [trying to impress her] me too

Her: what’s your favourite kind

Me: [panicking] uh…doja

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question

Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.

“Is this the fifth one?”

– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish

There is wisdom there.

“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees

“wfh”

what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?

me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.

Not to brag…

… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.

[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.

opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything

Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.

Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.

Thyme. He meant thyme.

Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.

how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in

1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.

Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”