Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, we share it, right?

Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

🤣🤣💀

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.

Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.

My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days

I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again

me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags

me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis

I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.

Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.

I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.

The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.

Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.

A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

Friend: I have bad knees.

Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.

let the world know you’re kind of a big dill

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE