Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
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The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Wikigenius
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
I did 1 workout. Am I fit now plz
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
The smoothest fall of all time
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
I mean…but I did
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER