Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

[tarot reader looks at my cards]

you’re gonna die clonking your head on something

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.

[Home Depot staff meeting]

BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?

ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper

only 11 steps left

I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.

airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”

me: 😃

“it’s $9”

😩

“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”

😃

Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it

I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty

The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!

If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you

18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days

Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!

they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding

Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?

Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.

(On a date)

Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.

Me: haha yeah that was a good call…

*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.