Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*

B: SHIT

ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick

Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.

wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better

me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.

Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans

The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti

Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.

Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.

A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.

[harry potter at an interview]

interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes

harry: that’s correct, sir

interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow

Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.

Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?

Me: I don’t think it’s an act.

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent

I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”

Frog: “ribbit”

God: “haha, alright man”

My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?

[arguing with friend about chemistry]

*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?

Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…