Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍

the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms

*fighting with the husband*

He: deal with it!!

Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*

Today’s weather from Yorkshire

Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?

Me: yes. Molotov, please.

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

[texting with new girlfriend]

Her: What are you doing tonight?

Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp

Her: You’re adorable

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night

A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?

me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??

friend: it’s andrew garf-

me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.

In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”

wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.

Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.

Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend

I’m ready to try another planet.