Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…

My mind: You’re 18…

My body: …minutes from death.

*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*

[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”

[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?

[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”

As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.

Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)

People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.

Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.

Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.

Mission: Impossible

Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???

take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.

Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you

Husband: well you’re here with me

Me: oh yeah

Husband: and we’re at a funeral

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao

[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell

I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

[at the park with my husband and children]

Stranger: You have a beautiful family

Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.

birds: it’s peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep

Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this

The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen