Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time

Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?

I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.

Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu

“I do law stuff” – attorney general

“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific

I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.

Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”

Cop: I’m going in, cover me!

Me:*speed knits blanket*

Herpes is trending, good job people

Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?

Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.

Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls

REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!

If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person

people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things

That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

Happy Febuary everyone!

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world

i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey

A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.