COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
You Might Also Like
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Europe. Made in Germany.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that