Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.

“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade

you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator

[broken down by the side of the road]

ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x

When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?

They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.

ME: how can i prepare for my date

FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids

ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet

Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.

What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”

What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.

ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.

A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

I start training at mime school on Monday.

So if you don’t hear from me…