Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%

Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%

What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist

Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”

And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.

Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me

Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶

i actually laughed 😩

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)

ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*

SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?

My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.

Me: I like sunsets

Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say

Me:

Son: you’re also very pale

The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.

is it too early for christmas memes

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person