Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bank]

Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!

Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke

Robber: No I mean-

Robber2: Wait! Let him finish

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

*first day as a vegan*

“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”

I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

Me: *typing on laptop*

My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*

Me: Aww. So sweet.

My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*

Me: Or not.

Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.

I think this should do it.

Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree

Twin: ya know how we always-

Me: -finish each other’s sentences!

Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER

Twin: so I had an idea…

95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it

7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.

Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.

I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?

old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo

Cop: I can only hold you for another hour

Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!

Cop: You know I gotta work, babe

Time for evil

[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally

Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face

Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”

“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola

that lip filler tho

i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad