cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
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It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.