Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum

[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]

Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.

A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store

I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.

Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….

Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!

bird keeper: ok hear me out.

15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule

Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.

Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

[getting pulled over]

me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?

cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive

me: oh I’m sorry

cop: I’ll let you off with a warning

me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*

cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE

Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination

Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”

My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.