Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

me: how much is the funny smelling spray

clerk: perfume?

me: no the whole bottle

you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it

An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…

Wife: You’re really on a roll today.

Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.

If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

I feel seen.

Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”

My wife is just 3 days younger than me…

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.

gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic

If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.

[social gathering]

guy: wow, you work in an ER?

me: yep

guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?

me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit

Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd

My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle

please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way

Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection

They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.

Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

*names my little horse OneTrick*

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here

If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.

BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.

Everyone else at speed dating:

The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.

This kid will have a bright future.

[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is