COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
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It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
wishing you and yours all the best
