Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

It’s 6am somewhere!

~Toddlers waking up at 4am.

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

boss: you’re late

me: I broke down on the way here

boss: did they tow your car?

me: car?

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.

honestly this was all i could see so i drew it

Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.

Mhm.

Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?

*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.

scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10

scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves

I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.

Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.

I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.

A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.

Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!

i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body

Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why

Capitalist: Hi

Anti-Capitalist: hi

[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?

Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.