COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
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Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.