COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
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When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.
Crafting will have you running around your neighborhood fighting with the local retrievers over the best sticks. i can growl too you lil mfers, i need them for my pagan stick art
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Shopping for a toaster yesterday I came across this review.
“Easy to use instructions.”
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”