They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
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My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.