Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
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Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
“what’s it like having a sister?”
[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]
“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”
And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.