Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
You Might Also Like
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.