Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.

Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous

I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips

Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.

A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.

9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night

Me: Hang on, give me a…

7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep

pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet

me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here

My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?

Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.

My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life

(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big

[spelling bee]

Your word: Spelunking

“U-N-K-I-N-G”

“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”

famous last (known whereabouts) words

If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane

Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.

wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?

The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled

me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: is he in line

the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

*turns off lights*

*giggles*

Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”