Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.

Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?

Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever

Wife: So yes then

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.

VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”

I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.

It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.

DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.

Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.

I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong

I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.

Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl

“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands

The Backseat Boys

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”

Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*

Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers

Saving my good tweets for marriage

Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.