Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip

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My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.


Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.


Husband and wife near wishing well. Suddenly wife slips and fell in the well. Terrified husband: Noooooooooo…I can’t believe it’s working!


My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*


*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*


All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.


The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.


Being an adult is pretty easy. You just feel tired all the time & tell people about how tired you are & they tell you how tired they are.


7yr old “Do women get their periods on weekends too?”
Me “Yes”
7yr old mutters to herself “Jesus Christ”


Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.