Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
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I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.