Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?

[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground

older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies

You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.

-me flirting

Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.

Are all the non essential oils out of work now?

I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:

“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”

Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.

My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active

How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?

Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID

I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week

Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back

Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]

Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.