Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
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I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.