Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
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GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
airing out the snack pack
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.