COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
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I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”