COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
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Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
blocked him on everything and he shared a google doc with me😭
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Damn what did I do next
