cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
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quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
The sacred texts.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Welcome
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
☠️ ☠️
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually