cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
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Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Got a light
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
In my defense, Your Honor, I grossly misunderstood the meaning of Boxing Day
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good