cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
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Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.