Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]

Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”

Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”

Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.

Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?

Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.

Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

Me: No.

My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.

How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.

Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.

*At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(

Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me

Genie: okay

Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel

Genie: k…

Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s

[McDonald’s]

Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂

Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*

The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say

*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]

“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”

I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler

It’s 6am somewhere!

~Toddlers waking up at 4am.

Real bees work best

Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there

Really hoping this is Halloween related

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.

My time has come.

Me: it’s better to give than to receive.

Daughter: what about my enemies?

Me: d-do you have any enemies?

Daughter: not anymore.

Me: what does that mean?

Daughter:

Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?