Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
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Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
How high do the levels go?
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)