Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
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Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.