Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
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How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
🤣😂🤣😂
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
