Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

What, I’m Asian?

*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*

*buys a bonsai tree*

I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.

My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”

Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…

After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.

We believe you.

Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.

them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable

trader joe: make the lanes even narrower

them: done

tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots

them: you got it

tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.

(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck

It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.

Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case

🤣🤣🤣🤣

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.

PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?