cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
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[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”