Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.

16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year

*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*

[text from wife at home]

“Pick that up.”

me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago

Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”

If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.

In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.

“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy

Oops I deleted….

Instagram: look how pretty everything is

Facebook: look how easy everything is

Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest

Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is

Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

“No”

Cop: *points* Your buck naked

[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”

My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.

I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested