Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night

Me: Hang on, give me a…

7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep

My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.

My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?

Like sleeping!

Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting

I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss

It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.

I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.

If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…

Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.

We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave

The Hobbit 4:

Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff

Bilbo puts on his ring

One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.

Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?

Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.

Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?

Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?

My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.

“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee

I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.

I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “