Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
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Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
I thought you guys said carnival diet, not carnivore diet. I’ve been living off of corn dogs and elephant ears for the last 3 months and I feel like absolute shit.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.