Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
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Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
me when i see my girls butt
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
I ate everything, including the H.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death