Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
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5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)